“Your boundaries are not making you lose friends or family members. Your boundaries are making you lose gaslighters, emotional abusers, needy and greedy manipulators, self-centered narcissists, and energy draining vampires. Keep standing up for yourself, you’re doing great!” This is the first post that I saw today on my regular morning Instagram scroll. There are hundreds of iterations of this sentiment in the feed on my profile. The concept of boundaries has become particularly popular in the last few years. Boundaries are touted as the antidote to burnout, people pleasing, and “toxic relationships” to name a few. While this can be true, I can’t help but wonder if boundaries have turned into the interpersonal form of Cancel Culture? In this blog post, we will explore the actual concept of boundaries and how its misinterpretation by pop psychologists often leads to misapplications and significant negative mental health impacts.

What is Cancel Culture?

Cancel culture began as a way to address systemic issues and challenge harmful behavior or ideologies in society. No more would the likes of Harvey Weinstein and Bill Cosby get away with abuse. We, as a society, would come together and hold those abusers accountable and seek justice. The pendulum was beginning to move from intentional ignorance to righteous accountability. Many believe that the pendulum has swung too far and Cancel Culture has morphed into a way to shame, shun, and ostracize people with whom we do not agree.  I fear that the same problem has happened with Personal Boundaries.

What Actually are Personal Boundaries?

Personal boundaries encompass a wide range of aspects, including physical, emotional, and psychological boundaries. They serve as protective barriers, safeguarding individuals from exploitation, manipulation, and emotional harm. Establishing and maintaining personal boundaries is crucial for asserting one's autonomy and nurturing healthy relationships.

When personal boundaries are disregarded or violated, it can lead to feelings of discomfort, resentment, and even trauma. Whether it's someone invading our physical space without consent, disregarding our emotional needs, or pressuring us to conform to their expectations, boundary violations erode trust and create a sense of unsafety.

Boundaries as Punishment:

However, in certain instances, individuals may weaponize their boundaries as a form of punishment or manipulation. Instead of setting boundaries to protect themselves or assert their autonomy, they may use boundaries as a means of controlling or punishing others.

For example, someone might withhold affection, communication, or support as a way of punishing their partner for perceived transgressions. They may set arbitrary or unreasonable boundaries as a means of exerting power in the relationship. This misuse of boundaries not only undermines trust and respect but also perpetuates a cycle of conflict and resentment. 

The Impact:

The increased awareness around personal boundaries has helped empower many to make significant changes in their lives that lead to improved well-being. However, like Cancel Culture, a phenomenon that began with the best of intentions may have swung too far in the other direction. Now some people are using boundaries as punishment and as a reason to end various relationships. As a therapist, I’m seeing more and more clients who are struggling with the abrupt ending of an important relationship. Friends and family members have decided to cease communication under the cloak of boundary violations. This can be traumatizing for those on the receiving end. 

Everyone deserves supportive and caring relationships, if you are not getting that, then restructuring boundaries can be helpful in ensuring that everyone’s needs are met. However, this must be done through communication and empathy (this does not apply to abusive relationships). The misstep is when boundaries are built without clarity and transparency between all parties. It is troubling to see people feeling abandoned or rejected under the name of “Boundaries.” If you feel similarly, know that you are not alone, and that there is help to repair these wounds.