Can Poor Communication in Relationships Harm Our Health?
For Juniper Therapeutic Services By Katherine Cullen, MFA, LMSW
Unresolved issues with our romantic partners don’t make us feel good. Not being able to adequately process and heal from interpersonal wrongs through effective communication can foster defensiveness, reactivity, and resentment.
This likely isn’t news to you if you’re currently in or have ever been in a romantic relationship. But you may be surprised to learn that those bad feelings you get from unsettled conflicts and poor communication can affect more than just your emotional well-being. A team of researchers from Ohio State and Purdue took a closer look at the consequences of problematic communication habits in relationships and found that they can also take a toll on partners' physical health and immunity.
The Study
Forty-two couples spent 24 hours in a lab on two separate occasions. During these visits, they had their blood drawn so that researchers could measure how high their inflammation levels were—this was assessed by evaluating the concentration of the inflammatory protein interleukin-6 (IL-6) in their blood—and they also consented to receiving a small wound on their forearms (inflicted via suction cup) so that researchers could measure how quickly they healed from injuries (a proxy for immune function).
Over each 24-hour lab visit, couples also engaged in marital discussions (one about social support, the other about a known source of relationship tension) that the researchers recorded and coded for negative and positive behaviors. And they independently reported on their communication habits and how they felt after the discussions—namely, whether they were satisfied with their outcomes, whether they felt supported and understood by their partners, and whether they felt in control and engaged in productive problem-solving with their partners.
The researchers were particularly interested in assessing the outcomes of the following communication styles:
Demand/withdraw: When one partner nags, criticizes, or demands to address an issue while the other pulls away, becomes defensive, or avoids the discussion.
Mutual avoidance: When both partners avoid conflict.
Mutual constructive: When both partners play an equal role in conflict resolution.
As the researchers anticipated, couples who engaged in more negative communication styles (think: demand/withdraw and mutual avoidance) reported lower positive emotions and evaluated discussions with their partners more negatively than couples who engaged in more positive (e.g., mutually constructive) communication styles. In turn, couples who engaged in negative communication styles showed higher levels of inflammation and slower wound healing over the course of 12 days than those who engaged in positive communication styles.
This led the researchers to conclude in a March 2023 Psychoneuroendocrinology study that “couples’ typical communication patterns—including how often they use demand/withdraw, mutual avoidance, and mutual constructive patterns—may color spouses’ reactions to marital discussions, amplifying the biological, emotional, and relational impact.” All of which, they add, helps explain “how distressed marriages take a toll on spouses’ health.”
How Poor Communication Harms Health
Chronically poor communication with a partner (that is, the person you are likely the closest with, emotionally speaking, and spend the most time and energy with) is a form of stress. And stress, especially chronic stress, has been shown in many studies to increase inflammation and slow wound healing. Small wonder, then, that the couples who engaged in negative communication habits not only reported lower emotional well-being compared to partners with more positive communication habits but also displayed elevated inflammation levels and slower healing.
How to Communicate More Positively With Your Partner
Effective and positive communication with your partner doesn't mean the absence of conflicts or arguments. It's how you manage these conflicts and arguments that counts. There are many ways to have better arguments with your partner.
Here are a few tips relevant to the negative communication styles observed by the researchers in the above study:
If you're the avoider: Consider what you might need to feel safer broaching a difficult discussion with your partner. As best you can, let your partner know so that both of you can create an environment conducive to effective communication.
If your partner is the avoider: Consider gentle invitations to have a heart-to-heart and ask them what they need to feel safe enough to have a discussion. Then ask how you might be able to provide that (and try your best to do so).
If you nag or pressure your partner into discussions: Write down your grievances when you feel an impulse to demand that your partner address your concerns immediately. Doing so can help you process and make sense of what you see as wrong and give you an outline of the issue(s) that need to be addressed—albeit at a later time when heads are cooler. Keep the document to yourself but use it as a reference point when you do eventually sit down and talk with your partner.
Pick a time to discuss issues: Set aside time each week to talk honestly about your concerns. (Couples therapy sessions can be very helpful in creating this space). When you do, be mindful of avoiding the impulse to list all the ways in which your partner has let you down or frustrated you (this is called kitchen-sinking), and make sure to remain focused on the main issue at hand.
Come from a place of love: Instead of attacking your partner with accusations and extremes ("You never listen to me!" "You always let me down!"), try what famed relationship researchers John and Julie Gottman call the gentle start-up: "I feel ___ about ___. It would be so helpful if you could _____."
This is hard when we're upset—hence why discussing major issues when heads are cooler, rather than in the heat of a moment, is advisable. But when we communicate lovingly with our partners (even about things that drive us mad), we increase our chances of getting our point across and help bolster the bonds that matter the most.
