How to Feel Better Understood by a Partner
Feeling understood by others can make us happier and increase our quality of life, especially when those others are romantic partners.
If we don’t believe our significant others truly get what we’re going through, or we believe they’re judging our experience to be abnormal, we may feel distant from them, or perhaps less loved. In response—depending on our personality types and attachment styles—we may pull away, act possessively, or become more easily angered and combative with them.
When we trust that our partners accurately perceive how we’re feeling, we’re much more likely to feel closer to and loved by them. This prompts us to act more lovingly, give our partners the benefit of the doubt, forgive them for minor wrongs, pay more attention to their feelings, and be more responsive to their needs.
But just how accurate are our assumptions that a partner is or isn’t understanding our emotions? And, if our assumptions are off base, how can we render them more realistic? Moreover, what consequences arise from clinging to inaccurate conclusions about how our partners are reading us?
Do We Correctly Infer How Others See Us?
New research from McGill University sheds some light on these questions. A research team led by Hasagani Tissera recruited 189 long-term couples to participate in a study on “the ability to correctly infer how others see us.” All participants completed surveys measuring their relationship satisfaction at baseline. Then, each engaged in three discussions—about a topic of their choice, a recurring relationship conflict, and something positive in their relationship. After each discussion, participants reported their emotions, what they thought their partners’ emotions were, and what they thought their partners’ impressions of their emotions were. They also completed momentary relationship satisfaction surveys following each discussion, and reported how positive, happy, and close to their partners they felt after each discussion.
Partners "were pretty accurate in knowing how their partner saw their emotions when discussing random topics or positive aspects of their relationship," Tissera explained. They reported higher momentary relationship quality when they sensed their significant others were “forming positive impressions of their emotions and considering their emotional responses to be normative,” she added.
But, when discussing conflicts, partners “were less likely to accurately sense that their significant others considered their emotions to be normative,” Tissera noted. And, their momentary relationship quality declined when they sensed their partners were misperceiving their emotions or judging them to be atypical.
What’s more, when one partner felt inaccurately read or judged by their significant other, that significant other (the reader/judger) also experienced a reduction in momentary relationship quality—possibly a result of the partner feeling misread, acting defensively, or behaving otherwise unconstructively.
Improving Our Perception
High emotions can cloud our perception of reality. That’s because stress can trigger our nervous systems to kick into fight/flight/freeze (a.k.a. “survival”) mode, which heightens our perception of danger such that we consider even neutral stimuli—a partner’s furrowed brow, say, or silence—to be potentially threatening.
Emotionally primed to assume the worst, we may jump to conclusions about a partner’s nefarious intentions. This may cause us to lash out at or dismiss them, withhold information, or engage in other relationship-damaging behaviors.
To prevent unnecessary damage, we must remember that we may not be accurately perceiving what our partner is thinking or feeling about us, especially during times of high emotion. We must remember that, when we feel triggered, we can overestimate threats, seeing them where they don’t actually exist. And, we must remind ourselves to pause before acting by taking a deep breath or stepping away from the triggering situation. These actions help regulate our nervous systems, moving us out of “survival” mode towards calmer states that allow for clearer perception and kinder, more productive communication.
A helpful communication tool amidst high emotion is to acknowledge to our partners that we feel vulnerable or fear being judged. This may baffle or, sometimes, offend a partner. But by avoiding accusatory language in favor of gentle bids for reassurance, we increase our odds that a partner will hear and warmly receive us.
Example: “I realize I might not be seeing this situation clearly but I’m worried about being judged.”
Acknowledging our potential inaccuracy opens the door for clarification and communication. Using “I” statements helps us avoid blaming or accusing.
This can be followed by an ask. Consider: “Could you help me better understand what you’re thinking about what I just said?”
Of course, our significant others’ emotions can also cloud their perceptions and impede their abilities to lovingly respond. If your partner reacts to your gentler expressions of feeling vulnerable or bids for clarification by shaming, blaming, or yelling, you have every right to articulate how this is hurting you—and set a firm boundary if it continues.
Acknowledge the injury. Acknowledge its effects. Reiterate your goal. Suggest a solution.
Example: “When I hear I’m ‘too sensitive’ or when I’m yelled at, I feel hurt. This makes me less able to respond lovingly or have a productive conversation. I want to resolve this issue in a way that works for both of us, so how about we take a breather and revisit this conversation when we’re both less upset?”
Or: “I’m feeling blamed right now and that makes me feel sad and disconnected from you. I want to have a more loving conversation and feel closer to you. Could we take a few deep breaths, hug each other, and just agree to disagree for now?”
No one is perfect and all partners make mistakes. But self-awareness and efforts to regulate our nervous systems help ensure those mistakes aren’t earth-shattering or unforgivable.
If you feel you need extra help practicing more loving communication, or you feel stuck in a relationship where you’re the only one making an effort to do so, consider reaching out to a mental health professional who specializes in relationships for more support.
